


The Expansion of Gender

by roguefaerie



Series: Trans HP One Shots [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A little handwavy, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dialogue Heavy, Established Relationship, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Sirius Black, Other, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Remus Lupin is a Good Boyfriend, Sirius Black Free from Azkaban, Sirius Black is Safe, Some Azkaban, no pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:55:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24530404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roguefaerie/pseuds/roguefaerie
Summary: For Sirius, gender begins to have no meaning.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Trans HP One Shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1780672
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	The Expansion of Gender

For some time while Sirius is Away, gender has no meaning. The small things become simple to lose track of. Everything is jangled nerve endings and missing everyone Sirius has ever known, and being in the sea of loneliness that is life without James and Remus. 

That is something worth holding onto. The two of them may be gone or inaccessible, but it’s always worth holding onto them both.

No matter what.

Everything else falls by the wayside, but it’s possible to remember them even in the worst moments, and what sanity remains is there because of this.

In the long, dark hours, Sirius holds these friends close, even if doing so is always tinged with grief. Grief is fueled by the power of love, past and present, and Sirius has both.

The rest falls away.

It’s not even of any use to think much of little Harry, although it still happens. It may be difficult to hold onto the idea of how old Harry is or what may be happening, but Sirius can remember holding Harry, and swearing on pain of death to be Harry’s godparent.

That is an honor bestowed on Sirus alone, and an honor it is indeed.

There is going to come a day when Sirius Black returns to Remus and Harry.

*~*~*

There may be changes in how Sirius relates to the world. That is something certain. Holding onto the idea of family is something Sirius is long past doing, besides being family with those who choose to see all of Sirius. James did, even if James could be a difficult person. James knew right from wrong, and that leaving someone estranged from Slytherin family to sort it all out alone would be the wrong thing to do. And so the two of them had bonded, perhaps unevenly.

But Remus had been right there as well, and when Sirius was lonely in the face of the actions of the Black family, they had a nigh unbreakable pact of love and camaraderie. 

Remus will always be worth returning to.

*~*~*

How much of Sirius is left then, it is impossible to know, but there is a burning fire that seems to show Sirius the way to survive with soul intact in the most inhumane prison there ever was.

If Sirius has to let go of some self concept, be it gender or otherwise, there is always the fire that lights the way home.

*~*~*

And then it happens: Sirius is on the other side of the wall, and filled with the need to find Remus and explain everything.

There are reports that Harry Potter is at Hogwarts, and Remus too, and Sirius can’t believe what luck that is, and heads straight for the two most important living people in the world.

*~*~*

“Sirius!” Remus screams, and there is pain and fear and longing in the name.

And then chaos breaks out.

*~*~*

Long after Remus is calmed, and Snape is gone again, Sirius and Remus and Harry sit far away from anyone else and hold cups of tea in shaking hands. Remus’ head is still bowed in shame, and Harry has his arm around his professor’s shoulders.

“Remus. We’ll sort it,” Sirius is saying. “It’s not that difficult. I’m home now and I--”

“How are you even still intact? I mean mental--”

Sirius smiles. “I had you three to remember. You, James, and Harry.”

Remus’ shoulders fall slightly, and Sirius crosses to him.

“That wasn’t meant to upset you.”

“I know it wasn’t, but Sirius, I was so-- worried. We all--”

Sirius laughs, rough and bark-like in a raspy throat. “Not all.”

“That’s true,” Remus admits. “But I…”

“Of course you did, my love. Remus. There _is_ something I need to tell you.”

“Anything.”

“So much of me is different now.”

“Of course.”

“So few things about the wizarding world make any sense.”

“How could they? After--”

“Indeed. They don’t in the slightest bit. Even… even who I am.”

“I understand.”

“I knew you would.”

“We need to get you somewhere safe.”

Sirius smiles wryly. “As long as you’re not thinking of my mother’s--”

“Of course not! Sirius!”

“Anywhere you believe is safe, I will trust you.”

Remus clasps Sirius’ shoulder and says, “Nothing you say could surprise me, Sirius. I had full faith that you would return.”

“It was Peter.”

Remus smiles a craggy smile. “Of course it was Peter.”

Sirius feels a weight being lifted. “But Remus, I don’t even know if I feel like Sirius anymore. Not just Sirius Black, but Sirius at all. I suppose I’ll keep the name.”

“Only if it would be safe.”

“And who knows about that? But I haven’t got a better one yet, even with all the thinking I’ve done. It’s more that I don’t know…” Sirius trails off. 

There aren’t words for this.

“Big concepts. They broke down for me.”

“Of course they would,” Remus says.

“I wish there was another name that could serve just as well,” Sirius says. “And another… another everything.”

“A new life?”

“Perhaps. Of course. But a new self-concept. There just, there weren’t…”

“You are who you are,” Remus says, “And we’ll--”

“We’ll call you anything you need for us to call you,” Harry says.

“When there’s time,” Sirius says. “When there’s time.”

“You _are_ safe enough for now, Sirius. Try to breathe, love.” Remus says. 

“I’m trying. The outside, Remus, it’s so big.”

“It is,” Remus says. “I always thought similarly about the outside of my cage. The one you knew to find for me, you and James.”

“James…” Sirius murmurs.

“Yes.”

*~*~*

They stow Sirius away behind magical wards and where there is safety Sirius’ self-concept can expand again.

This is when everything becomes clearer. Sirius is neither a man nor a woman anymore.

The excitement that bubbles out of Sirius when it’s finally possible to explain this is palpable in the air, and Remus and Harry are both there to see Sirius’ first real exhale since coming out from behind the walls of Azkaban.


End file.
